When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? by George Carlin


There’s no doubt whatsoever that Carlin was a great comedian and thinker. However reading this book may have you checking the cover to check that it’s the same guy.

It has its merits – the passages on Euphemisms are generally good and there are some great bits such as this:

“During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.”

Unfortunately the few gems are hidden amongst a pile of crude, pathetic nonsense that would never have been published if it wasn’t for the authors celebrity :

“• Imagine how creepy it would be to be sexually abused by your great-great-grandparents.
• Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back.”

These are nowhere near the worst bits, I just chose a page at random.

It’s so frustrating when you get writing as good as this:

Dear Trevor,
The reason I’m writing is because I’ve lost your address and have no way of getting in touch with you. For that reason, chances are you won’t receive this, in which case you should not feel obligated to reply. If, however, this letter does reach you and you wish to answer, please enclose your current address so 1 will know where to send this. By the way, you can ignore the return address on this envelope, as I am moving next week and, although I don ‘tyet have my new address, I will be sending it along as soon as I hear from you. Should you have any trouble locating me, please be assured I will contact you as soon as I have my new phone, so, by all means, give me a call and let me have your number. If it turns out I’m unable to reach you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch, as I always mention it to my friends whenever neither of us hears from the other. Should you encounter any trouble reaching me, please let me know, and I will get back to you at once. Then again, if you are unable to reach me, perhaps it would be better not to get in touch, because I will most likely be trying to get hold of you. And, of course, if I do reach you please let me know immediately. Conversely, if I don’t reach you, you will probably hear from me right away. Well, evening is rolling around, and, as they say in Portugal, ‘It’s time to say goodbye.” I hope you receive this before you mail your letter. It’s so good to communicate this way.
Sincerely, Sperla Vaughn
P.S. Should this letter be lost in transit, please disregard.”

Followed by this:

“I wonder what kind of masturbation fantasies Stephen King has.
I also wonder if anyone has ever masturbated while fantasizing about having sex with a live chicken. Usually, I wonder about these things while I’m masturbating”

I think the fairest thing to say with respect to Carlins memory is that he was a brilliant comedian but what was needed for this book was a brilliant editor.


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